Hey y’all. It’s been a while since I’ve been consistent on my blog and social media and I apologize. I didn’t realize moving and starting to work full-time again would drain me as much as it has. There are so many things I want to talk about, but I haven’t had the energy to sit down and write. I don’t know if I will have a routine going with this blog like I used to, but rest assured, this blog is NOT dead!! And today during this time of social distancing, I have finally forced myself to write about what’s been going on in my head for the past couple of months. Or maybe the past couple of years. I don’t really know honestly.

This is going to be a weird ramble, so bear with me and don’t judge me too much, lol.

I have always been an advocate for independence, being able to survive on your own, and self love. Being the number one source of your happiness. Loving yourself before allowing someone else to. Doing life on your own without having to rely on someone. It never sat right with me when I heard people say, “I wouldn’t be able to survive without ______” or “I was never happy till _____ entered my life.” Because if that person left, what would happen? Shouldn’t a person add happiness to your life versus being the reason for your happiness? So for pretty much 24 years, I have been pretty independent and making it on my own. Not necessarily by choice if I’m being honest, haha. And okay to clarify, when I say “making it”, I don’t mean I have made millions of dollars by myself. (LOL maybe one day) I just mean that I haven’t necessarily had a person that I needed to get through life. Does that make sense? I am thankful to have been doing okay on my own especially seeing how some people will do anything to keep someone around just for the sake of not being alone, even if that person is not good for them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not perfect and I’ve made my share of mistakes and regrets, but I’ve been pretty much living independently for my entire life.

But recently, I’ve just been… idk, not happy? I mean, lol I don’t think I’ve been really happy for a while now, but this is just different. Like this feeling of emptiness and loneliness. I’ve always lived with a roommate up until January when I moved for my job and started living by myself for the first time, so I thought maybe it was because of that. But I also kinda enjoy not having a roommate, so I crossed that out. Then I thought maybe it was because I’m pretty extroverted. I love hanging out with people and socializing. I’m the person who prefers going out with friends instead of staying in and watching movies (there are occasions where I prefer watching movies, but not the point lol). And this COVID-19 pandemic hasn’t helped with that. But I don’t know if it’s that either. So it has made me go back to what my original thoughts and opinions were. This whole being alone thing… Am I secretly wanting or needing someone in my life? I wanna puke just typing this out because I’ve just been so anti…THAT this whole time!! I know my parents and tons of religious people would probably say that I probably just need to spend more time with God. And I guess I agree to a certain extent? But I’m not delusional, God isn’t present as a physical being who can actually knock on my door and drink a glass of wine with me or watch a TV show with. Or pick up the phone and call and have a conversation. I mean believe me, I definitely have vented to God before, but it’s different. I don’t know if I’m making any sense. I just am starting to wonder if we are supposed to have a person in our lives? Are people right when they say they became happy when their significant other entered their life? Or is it societal pressures making me feel this way? Because the thought of marriage and having to spend the rest of my life with someone also terrifies me. But is this the reason I feel the way I do? This whole thing just feels weird and I feel very weird right now and this is the conclusion I’ve kinda come to as I act like my own therapist, lol.

I don’t exactly know why I’m sharing this, but these thoughts have been heavy in my mind and something I think about all the time and in this time of isolation, I have more time to dwell in these thoughts, so I’m sharing in hopes that maybe I’m not actually going crazy and maybe someone else is going through something similar?

Check out my last blog post: I Turned a Wooden Palette into a Shelf! (FOR FREE)